Survive to Thrive: Jessi’s Work

Content note: The following testimony contains reflections on domestic abuse, trauma, and the emotional and financial realities of rebuilding after abuse. Please read with care and at your own pace.

The initial reaction that happens when you first finally break free and get out of an abusive relationship is breathtaking.

Leaving feels like crawling out of a burning car wreck while injured. You know you are out, but you don’t quite know yet the totality of the damage. You know that you are OK enough to crawl out to safety but as the cortisol lessens and body pain signals increase, you know that you aren’t OK, and you don’t know how bad and how much it all is as it slowly unfolds over time through assessing and processing.

Up until now…

Grief and Resentment: Survivors' Unfolding Realizations

You’ve endured years of futilely defending basic rights against a person who hoarded their own while systematically denying yours. Years spent trading servitude and obedience for fleeting moments of contempt disguised as "peace," and meager crumbs of basic dignity. Every promise of a higher quality of life within the "partnership" was nothing more than manipulation for exploitation. The final cost was your lasting self-sacrifice: your savings, assets, and credit—all surrendered under duress or coercion to satisfy their selfish impulses.

I owned a company with my husband. I handled everything he couldn't or wouldn't do—tasks he deemed beneath him, which were substantial. While I was equally liable for the business, he asserted full control and final say over all financial decisions. Often, he simply implemented them on his own, without my knowledge, let alone my approval. Those fateful decisions quickly devolved; our options turned into high-stakes gambles. I learned the hard way that for people who feel entitled to reward, risks are simply challenges to be baited. His blind confidence was the driving force behind our financial freefall.

In 2014, I got in my jeep in Downtown LA and fled to Oregon. I had never been there before. I didn’t know anyone there. I had been dreaming for years about a forest cabin next to a clear rushing river. These dreams started in 2005 when we lived in the big gross $3M McMansion in a Tarzana Gated community that he forced us into. He decided what we bought, and I was tasked with the how, as I managed cashflow and operations for the company and home.

My brain was screaming relief on the drive to Oregon. My strength was powered by a huge rush of cortisol. I had enough for a deposit on a modest Portland apartment, first month’s rent, hope and wonderment of the possibilities for My Future.

After the initial cortisol settled, I was left to iron out the details with stunted executive function and decision fatigue from choosing from more options than just a rock and a hard place.

I had planned this moment quietly in my spirited mind for years. I didn’t plan for anxiety and fear to be worse after leaving, but it was.

Best I could do enjoying freedom was “happy scared.” Internally waiting for him to destroy anything I built. He was masterful at talent mining and rug pulling.

For years, my natural resting state had been a baseline stress level of seven or higher. My overloaded brain awkwardly choosing from overwhelming options that were regular life choices to most people. I’m sure it looked weird to strangers in my new city. Luckily I was conditioned by years of simultaneous humiliation and embarrassment.

The Internal Aftermath: Rebuilding Under Duress

‘Now, after initial “triage” of seeking refuge and securing safety is working diligently to sustain an actual life.’

I knew I needed to stay safe and protect my peace so that I could show up with consistency. My mind and body were not peaceful, I wouldn’t just flinch at every unexpected loud sound, I would spontaneously scream. I couldn’t control it for the longest time, it was exhausting and embarrassing. Then I’d have to let whatever terrible flashback of abuse it triggered run its course, careful not to move too much because my fine motor skills were gone during those. I learned the hard way dropping things and falling trying to shake them off. It was so frustrating, like mental hiccups leading to irritability.

‘You must pivot from reactivity into proactivity and envision the possibilities in achieving stability and sustaining a good future.’

This seemed impossible. I was used to waking up to a day that the only thing I could count on was bad news and his moods then going to sleep with new sabotage to solve tomorrow. Running damage control on aftermath was the closest thing I ever got to being proactive.

‘You need to be functional and credible to secure employment—a necessity for housing and basics—after prolonged denial of dignity and autonomy.’

Um, you gotta do this while your brain and body are stuck in fight or flight, constantly scanning for threats.

The Rewired Brain

‘You must rebuild your life from the ground up’

….with a dysregulated nervous system and an impaired, abuser-rewired prefrontal cortex. Your instincts, historically hijacked to be reactive to abuse, now need to become proactive for effective strategizing. Your systematically stifled intuition—vital for developing personal autonomy and agency—is currently a flickering ember when you need it to be a pilot light for survival and a beacon for your future.

I didn’t know myself but I knew that my very own waking natural intuition was getting stronger and delivering messages of guidance.

A Path Forward: Mindfulness

‘To move forward, you must step back and start the grueling process of patiently retraining your nervous system.

This is critical to the next step: Mindfulness. This will be the most essential tool in your kit for successful recovery….’

I struggled learning how to even feel worthy. I had a lot of unlearning to do after being conditioned over 20 years.

“The ability to be present in the moment—not reliving the past or catastrophizing the future—but seeing the power and opportunity of now. “

From the times I left before with more, I learned to make success out of less.

I also learned to ask for help.

Enter Jessi

Jessi [a FinAbility financial mentor] has a holistic approach to financial and future planning with someone suffering dysfunction from a discombobulated nervous system.

She somehow wraps our zoom meetings with protective ethereal energy. She does this consistently. I feel safe in my own home, my body and my mind. It’s been healing. I haven’t had much experience with consistent healing or real safety.

Jessi has always graciously held space for my energy as well as my dignity. Never passing judgement. Not even an unconscious glance. (No side eye even when deserved!) She meets me where I am with Buddhist monk like validation through simple acknowledgement of hardship, she relates to me then magically redirects my focus out of reactivity to proactivity (for my future). There, she gently encourages me forward. No frustrated patronizing, She communicates with kindness, patience and respect, teaching me to be patient with myself and expanding my idea of self respect.  Her belief in me has been instrumental, inspiring me to believe in myself.

Since our first meeting in March I have accomplished massive overhaul across the board in personal organization, healthy rituals, budgeting, career leaps doing work that I had no idea I could do let alone love doing.

I do all of this now with my own ethereal energy, protecting my own dignity, acknowledging and validating hardship then redirecting my focus to an even brighter future while believing in myself. With growing strength and success, I hope in the future to be someone’s Jessi. <3